A Random MST
The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi
NOTE: This MST/fic is rated M for "Mature." It contains disturbing content and overall WTF-ery. Viewer discretion is advised.
SECOND IMPORTANT NOTE: The words in italics are thoughts/translations/titles of works, and the text in bold italics are the MSTed fic.
Weeks after making a third MST, Kristopher Smith and Catherine Grayson had some time to know each other. Her wounds have been healing nicely, her mind at peace. Her companion was just as interesting, if not eccentric.
There were rumors that they were dating, but both of them shot them down. Catherine, after all, already had a girlfriend, the carry-over from her sex change--as Carter, he preferred women. Kristopher had no interest in romance.
Still, they remained friends, and that was that. Catherine questioned about what it was when she and Kristopher had to read a fanfic, and the professor explained what it was, the different types, and the like. He did note that there were fanfics out there that were so bad, so vile, so unsalvageable that they couldn't be commented on. Or made fun of. Even in the best of people.
A month before Catherine got out of the hospital, she received a fanfic sign from Kristopher's computer.
"By the way," she asked, "how do you manage to haul in an entire computer system? Laptops are enough."
"I would rather do things the old way, even as technology evolves," Kristopher answered after adjusting his glasses. "Sure, it took a really long time to finally fire it up, but I'm happy with what I have."
"...okay then. So what is it this time? More Pokemon?"
"Actually, no matter how warped some of those stories are...no."
"What is it?" This got Catherine interested, if not intrigued.
"This time, it's a Kingdom Hearts fic--that series, naturally, has just as much of its share of screwed-up stories."
"...do I even want to know?"
"Not really. That being said, this is one of them. A Die For Our Ship fic that shows, well, just how fucked-up the sheer premise is."
"Dear God..." Naturally, Catherine facepalmed.
Kristopher placed the fanfic on the now-made makeshift movie screen. Luckily for Catherine, she wouldn't need eyes to see how bad this is. Unluckily for her...the other senses didn't apply for that prior statement.
The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi
"...this is gonna suck," the both of them sighed.
Hi this another fic but this was by me and not my friend (but she's still cool lol XD)
"How cool do you have to be to write a horrible death of a character?!" Kristopher screamed.
and I was just thinking of how much I hate Kairi (GOD she RUINS EVERYTHING!)
"Explain how she ruins everything," Catherine dared, preparing a clipboard, taking the place of a psychiatrist.
and then I figured I might as well as torture her caus ei know it's what you all want to read XD
"Uh...no," Kristopher answered. "That's all what warped people want to read. Not us sane people. Not even those who hate Kairi, because at least they have reasons, not something flimsy."
"Not even if the premise also involves her regenerating after taking such brutal damage," Catherine added.
there will also be lots of sora/riku (YAY YAOI!) because I love it
"Yeah, just what we need for a death fic--reinforcing a pairing the writer likes," Kristopher sighed.
and kairi is an ugly bitch srsly how can eanybody LIKE her? GOD.
"Sounds like something a certain someone would say about me," Catherine stated, and she facepalmed.
"...who would that be?" Kristopher questioned.
"The one, the only, the queen of vicious self-deprecation herself. I don't know how I put up with her."
REVIEW PLEASE and NO FLAMES because I really HATE them and its not fair caus ei work really hard on my fics and I don't give a damn about what you think about kairi this is my fic so I get my own opion so LEAVE IT.
"Yeah, with such a premise, flimsy excuse, and overall rudeness...you're bound to get flames," Catherine assured.
Alright this is the day Sora thought in a deterred voice
"The day where you go out on another quest?" Kristopher guessed.
"No, it's clear that the day will be where he learns how to do the Fandango," Catherine replied.
staring straight ahead with his head held up looking over towards the papu isle where Riku was stood like always.
"'I wonder why Sora has a girl's name...'" Kristopher imitated Riku.
It was the day.
"We get it."
He was finally going to tell Riku how he really felt and nothing was going to stop him.
"...typical." Kristopher even facepalmed. "I can see where this is going..."
His stomach filled with butterflies, wingis gently brushing against the tender stomach lining of his stomach
"...where, presumably, his stomach will be after he gets the butterflies out of his stomach," Catherine hypothesized.
"And...'wingis'? What the heck is that?" Kristopher pondered.
as he marched forwards not stopping for anyone, not Selphie or Wakka or even-
"...even the most daring of foes, even a quest, even...finding actual true love."
"Or even just stopping to end this crappy story," Catherine added.
"Hi Sora would you just get all this stuff for the raft!" Kairi shouted.
"...and this is the person we're supposed to hate," Kristopher stated. "Um...I don't find anything to even hate here."
"Oh, no!" Catherine mockingly shouted. "What will our 'hero' do about...oh, fuck this."
Sora turned around (knowing Kairi would only yell if he ignored her because she was a bitch)
"Wow...um, yeah, the writer clearly has issues," Kristopher noticed.
and pretended to smile.
"I can sense the sheer out-of-characterness that's going on here," Catherine stated.
"...and demonization will occur in three, two, one..." Kristopher counted down.
"Sora what the fuck are you doing you lazy ass?" Kairi growled, hands on hips as she glared strait at him. Oh fuck did she looked pissed. "We're going to off on the raft together and it will be all beautiful and we'll leave Riku behind and blah blah blah
The both of them facepalmed.
"Oh, God, the sheer fail, the sheer...why is she angry?" Kristopher groaned.
"It's the writer using no logic," Catherine replied. "Hell, I feel sorry for Kairi, not angry at her. And this sounds like something the 'legendary' arcadiarika could make up for me to say. Only...possibly worse."
Sora zoned out, thinking about Riku and how he was going to tell him; but he was snapped out of his dreams of muscles and silver hair and kissable lips by a shrill pearcing voice of Kairi bringing him out of his fantasies to face hell; Kairi was really scary when she wanted to be.
"...and why are we cheering the two 'heroes' on in the first place?" Kristopher asked. "Come to think of it, what's up with the sheer run-on sentences?"
"To answer the first question, OMG shoe-horned Yaoi to distract the fact that this isn't in any way a death fic!" Catherine replied. "Secondly...your guess is as good as mine."
"Sora, you're not even LISTENING to me, why the hell do I hang around with you you're such a stupid fucking-"
"Honestly, we're wondering the same thing ourselves," Kristopher reassured. "Run where the horrible vengefic writer can't destroy you!"
"Hey Kairi," Sora suddenlyt said, a flash of genius sparking in his mind, "I think I see Riku over and he's making kissy-lips at you and telling you to come over."
"...our hero, ladies and gentlemen," Catherine sighed. "How rude."
Sora knew Kairi didn't even like riku but would go with him because she liked his muscles and manliness.
"...he is just as manly as the next Bishonen guy, really," Kristopher noted.
"Ooh, are you sure?" Kairi grinned, pulling her too-short skirt up so her pink lace panties were visible (The slut sora thought darkly) and licking her lips.
"This is why the writer doesn't like Kairi?" Catherine nearly screamed. "So. Sexist."
"And did we really need to see the panties? I mean...really?" Kristopher groaned, shielding his eyes.
"Yeah, go for it, girl."
Kairi grinned "okay I will" and walked off.
More silence, until...
"You know, as needlessly cruel as arcadiarika is...comparing this writer to her would be an insult," Catherine decided. "She wouldn't dare to hate me because of my...ahem...rather slightly-normal-than-average-sized chest. She wouldn't hate me for sexist reasons. Stupid reasons, sure, but..."
Sora sighed at least that was taken care of at least. Now to go and talk to Riku.
"...and here we go with the shoe-horned loving..." Kristopher groaned.
" Sora sighed and looked down at the sand not quite sure what to say with bright red cheeks; god this was so HARD, he'd always assumed it would be easy but no, it was complicated.
"You think?" Catherine asked.
It's alright, I know," Riku whispered, cupping the younger boy's chin and bringing him up to face him. "I know how you feel because
I feel the same
The both of them cringed.
Sora gasped "OMG really?"
"OMG, what's up with the Internet acronyms?" Kristopher mockingly asked. At that moment, Catherine listened to Usher's "OMG" on her iPod and was in a giggling fit.
Sora's heart rose like a hummingbird and his cheeks heated up,
"Well, no wonder. Probably suffering from the same ailment that involved butterflies in the stomach, using their wings--excuse me, 'wingis'--along the stomach lines of, naturally, the stomach."
it was better than he could've hoped ever ever in his wildest fantaises with no Kairi to mess it up (she was probably off fucking a tree thinking it was riku the stupid whore that she was, ytes she was THAT dumb)
"...yay, more demonization."
as Riku pulled Sora's face towards his and smashed their lips together in a tender kiss.
"Hopefully, their faces didn't smash together, or it would have been messy."
Catherine finished listening to the song, still in a giggling fit, and Kristopher glanced at her. She straightened up.
"Sorry," Catherine apologized. "Had to do something other than listening to the story."
" Sora moaned in his hot kiss as he kissed him back with passion, Riku pushing the younger boy up against the bark of the papou tree with hands in his hair and running down his jumpsuit leaving trails of blistening fire everywhere and-
"Oh, come on! That's just bad lovemaking! My girlfriend and I had better of such things!"
Kristopher stared at Catherine as if to say, "What the hell?"
"OH MY GOD SORA RIKU WASN'T THERE!"
"And, finally, the true heroine emerges," Kristopher announced.
Sora and Riku jumped apart staring at Kairi as she glared at them with her hands on hips
"Truly, hell hath no fury like a girl pissed off because...of no reason, according to the writer," Catherine sighed.
"And I totally saw you making out you stupid BITCHES Sora's MINE and I'm going to kill you both."
"Do it! Do it!" the both of them cheered.
Too bad for Kairi Riku and Sora both had wooden swords
"...where the hell did they get wooden swords?" Kristopher asked.
and she had nothing but her stupid girly thasla necklaces,
"...and, we hope though we really don't unless if it's offscreen, regeneration," Catherine hoped.
as she ran at them with mouth twisted into an angry screm sora and riku hit her in the stomach with their swords.
"Ouch...that'll hurt," Kristopher cringed.
"And it'll get worse..." Catherine sighed as she blocked her ears.
The breath knocked out of her she fell to the floor gasping, Sora and Riku grinned and then knelt down as if to help her up but then let her fall back to th e ground hitting her again with their swords over and over as she thwacked into the ground until she stopped moving but was still breathing.
"Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!" Kristopher scream-announced before he, too, blocked his ears and closed his eyes.
"This is for always being in the way you stupid BITCH!" Sora yelled, hitting her with his sword.
"This is for always spoiling me and Sora's moments you stupid FUCKING WHORE!" Riku yelled alongside Sora driving his sword into her stomach and splitting it as blood went everywhere in a shower of crimson.
"This is for being UGLY!" Sora yelled again as his sword got into her open stomach and pulled out some swuishy organs and suchlike, sword govered in gore.
"And this is for being KAIRI!" Riku finished it off with another thwack piecering strait thru her stomach into the other side.
"Make it stop! Make it stop!" the both of them screamed, thankfully not seeing the gore but clearly hearing it. They became physically ill from it. Nothing, not even the Eevee story, garnered such disgust.
But their fun wasn't over yet both boys grinned as they stuck their fingers in her eyes and pressed down hard, hard, HARDER until they popped into a bloody mess and then tore out her fingernails one by one.
"Oh, God..." Catherine moaned until she threw up in a wastebasket. "...this is basically Agony in Pink, Kingdom Hearts-style."
After that they pulled off her clothes to reveal pink lazy panties and snorted at what a whoire she was as they stuffed her clothe sinto the whole in her stomach. After that they pushed the corpse into the ocean and watched it sink, feeling suddenly happier now that they were alone.
"...is it over?" Kristopher asked until he, too, vomited. "This is, without a doubt, one of the most revolting stories we've ever dared to witness."
"And the worst part?" Catherine added. "This was marketed as not only romance, but humor. There is nothing humorous about viciously killing a person just because!"
Turned on by the fact they were now alone Sora and Riku turned back to eachother and started tro make out again with more passion thrusting their tongus down each other's throats energetically and grinding against each other's hips with eyes closed and moaning in lust.
"Great job, guys," Kristopher sarcastically said, but with a really bitter undertone. "Not only didn't you get caught, but...God, this makes me sick."
Selphie giggled as she pulled Kairi's corpse ashore all wet, wondering of all the fun things she could do with it.
Damn bitch had it coming.
"We...really don't want to know what 'fun' stuff she'll do with A FUCKING CORPSE!" Catherine screamed.
A/N: because everybody wanted to do this to kairi really (LOL).
"No, not everyone, and definitely not us," Kristopher replied.
"And that's not funny," Catherine added.
i hope you like it
"No, we did not!" the both of them shouted.
"And the only one who did would probably be the writer and her friend...who should be locked up in a mental asylum," Catherine noted.
and also the hint of yuri at the end because Selphie/kairi is HOT even if kairi's dead (shrugs)
The both of them vomited again.
serves her right for bein a bitch XD.
And then the both of them facepalmed.
I hope you like it and NO FLAMES PLEASE.
"Honestly...you had it coming," Catherine groaned as she rubbed her forehead. Kristopher held onto the railing.
It was a long time before anyone said anything.
"Well...while we know that there are sane fans for this series, as it is with all media, they're unfortunately lumped with the crazies. And this writer belongs to the latter," Kristopher noted.
Catherine gave Kristopher her iPod.
"Here," she said. "You clearly need to listen to happier music after dealing with this crap."
Kristopher thanked the ex-Ranger and listened to electronical music, calming down.
Out of all the stories they read, this one was certainly the worst. They would have time to calm their minds and flush out the memories of this horrid story as they spent time, as always. Time healed all wounds, and certainly time would heal those.